How To Leave a Whatsapp Group (That You Have Been Forced To Be In) Without Anyone Knowing That You Have Left:

As always Zahra gives us answers to all of life’s big questions. Today she answers the age old question:

It’s the question that plagues most of us. Along with ‘What Is the Meaning of Life?’ and ‘Will My Family Accept Me if I come out as Vegan?’ and ‘What the fuck is that weird knobby bit of skin on my lower back?’ Last time I checked, I ask myself the question, ‘How Do I Leave a Whatsapp Group Without Anyone Knowing?’ at least twenty times a day. I’ve tried every search on Google, Internet Explorer, hell things got so bad I even asked Bing.

Talks of ‘archiving’ and ‘muting’ and ‘disabling groups’ pepper the tech forums but, alas, they all prove futile. Still a thousand notifications do I doth receive. Be still my beeping Whataspp. Be still. Enough is enough. It’s time to take back control. This might be the age of #MeToo, but hundreds of thousands of innocent people are, without their consent, areput into Whatsapp Groups they do not wish to be part of. But guess what, Whatsapp?#Time’sUp Natalie Portman might have worn an Oscar Dress with all the female directors that have been overlooked because of their gender but I’ve just stitched a jumper with all the names of the WhatsApp groups I have been put into without my consent. That’s right, I’m taking back control! So, you too want to know how to leave this notorious millennial phenomenon that is the Whatsapp group without anyone knowing?

Now the decision to leave a WhatsApp group is not something to take lightly. One should take as much time and thought considering whether they want to leave a WhatsApp group than they did leaving any other important institution. Because, once you do: there’s no going back.

“Ask yourselves not what Whatsapp can do for you but what you can do for Whataspp?” Are you sure that you want to pull out?

Of course sometimes you know when pulling out of something is absolutely the right thing to do, like a baby shower for example, or a christening or when you ask your boyfriend to when he’s having sex with you. But sometimes pulling out of something needs a lot more analysis. Especially something so final as leaving a WhatsApp group. So as with any big decision you must draw up a list of pros and cons. (For example, this is an extract from my diary when I was 16 when I was deciding whether to dump my boyfriend Dave:“ Cons: Drug dealer, Parents don’t like him. Pros :Drug dealer, Parents don’t like him. He has a car.” Ah, young love.)

In much the same way, we must evaluate the good, the bad and the ugly of Whatsapp, before you make the no going back decision of leaving the group- so here goes:

The Good

• You feel like you are meeting up with friends without actually having to meet up with friends
• Writing the title of the group chat is such a fun part of the WhatsApp experience that brings everyone an immense amount joy.
• Everyone is competing to be the wittiest. WhatsApp makes people seem about 45% funnier that they are in real life.
• The Whatsapp Voice Note. It’s like a voicemail but you actually listen to it.
• The Banter. Not to sound like a contestant on ‘First Dates’ but I am all about the ‘bantz’

The Bad

• It is possible that one is a member of too many WhatsApp groups. For example, Like many women I’m a member of 12 WhatsApp groups all with the word ‘brunch’ in the title. (HELP.)
• Most people’s mums are now capable of using WhatsApp
• Read Receipts. Blue ticks on Twitter = GOOD Blue Ticks on Whatsapp = Bad
• Most of the ‘bantz’ involves finding a date that you are all free to meet up, which is most of the time near impossible and when you do set a date, I shit you not, 9 times out of 10, most people will cancel. Leaving you back to Square 1, finding another date to meet up which inevitably will not happen due to Corona Virus and/or tubes not running or someone being hideously hungover (which by the way is the only viable excuse).
• ‘is typing…..’ fills you with impending fear.

The Ugly

• BEING FORCED TO BE IN A WHATSPP GROUP WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.

Still want to know how to leave a Whatsapp Group without anyone knowing?

OK. Here’s how:

• Archive the Chat.
• Mute it.
• Disable it.
• Put on airplane mode.
• Flush your phone down the toilet.

You’re welcome.