Lies I Tell Men
“What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful” Brene Brown
Comedian, Zahra Barri, reflects on the lies she has told men over the years and makes a resolution to be more truthful to them from here on now.
I pride myself on telling the truth.
My therapist says: “The Truth Will Set You Free….”
“Yes, well, unless you’re Bill Cosby.” I quipped.
I agree with my therapist. I think it’s liberating to be as truthful as you can be. I am a very genuine person. I have no filter. If I look like a dog on Instagram its not because I’ve used some weird filter that gives you cute little furry ears and a button nose.
I’m a ‘girls’ girl’ and to impress women you have to be as honest as can be. If you’re honest around women, they call you things like ‘brave’ and ’empowering’ because you had the guts to expose your ‘truth’ which is just another way, lets face of saying, ‘your ugliness’. Sorry Brene Brown.
However with men its a different story. I feel I have to filter my ‘ugly/ truth’ while in the company of the male species. So, why doesn’t this authenticity come naturally in the company of men than it does with women? Perhaps, it’s an evolutionary thing, after all, it’s in our genes, women can’t be vulnerable with a man because we have been predetermined to be afraid of men for centuries. A throwback from cave men times, when men would just use women’s bodies for sex. But things have changed since then! Men don’t do that anymore. Do they?
So, I decided to write a list of all the lies, misdemeanours and misconceptions I’ve told men over the years in a bid to start being more truthful with them.
Here’s my little list, which I like to call:
‘My Fake News To Men’
1)When I first start going out with a guy I play it cool and not text him back for hours. When in a relationship I reply back within seconds. I wonder what they think happened to my phone.
2) One time I got wolf whistled at in the street but it was as I was farting. If the guy had known I’m sure he would have been mortified that the girl that he chose to leer at was actually so gross. Poor guy.
3) I went to a shopping centre with a boy I liked and we saw a lady getting her upper lip waxed right out in the middle of the mall. He looked horrified, I explained to him that some women have to get this done. He then asked, if I had ever had it done. Without a second’s hesitation I answered back, ‘no’.
4) My boyfriends always think I’m super chilled about marriage and babies but if they went into my Netflix account they would see me for the girl I really am- ‘Say Yes To The Dress’, ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’, ‘Married At First Sight’, Working Moms’, ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and ‘How To Be A Feminist and Still Take His Name’ (This last one isn’t a real TV show but it should be because it is a daily concern of mine).
5) I accept random pervy men’s Facebook friend requests so that I can get more ‘Likes’ on my Facebook business page. Once they’ve done that, then I block them.
6) When I found out that 22 men had decided abortion rights for women in Alabama, I got my 22 best girlfriends round for brunch and we all decided that we would never ever wank an Alabama man off to completion ever again. I’m really sorry Channing Tatum.
7) Every man who has ever asked me what I’m wearing on the phone. I normally whisper seductively, ‘Nothing but Chanel no. 5’. In reality it’s my egg stained Primark Disney onesie and I smell like a guinea pigs hutch.
8) I once stayed with an ex boyfriend for longer than I should have done just because he had a lean mean fat reducing grilling machine.
9) I texted back a smiley face after receiving a dick pic.
10) I told a guy the reason I couldn’t sleep with him straight away was because I’m not ‘that sort of girl’. In actual fact it was because I hadn’t had a wax in months and I looked like Chewbacca* from the neck down. He did say he was a fan of Star Wars though.
*I’m middle eastern so when I get a wax I actually lose weight so it ain’t all bad.